When Things Come Crashing Down

Who am I in the in between?

Hello sweet friends. I’ve missed you, and I’ve missed writing.

This past month and a half has been wild and eye opening. A pairing down to the basics, the necessities. A hard look at what I really want to do. What’s truly important to me.

After countless thought battles, I’ve decided to stop actively running my Reiki business. AHHHH. But I know I can always come back to it if this doesn’t feel right.

Please know I will never ever turn down anyone who wants Reiki. Please, always ask if you’d like a Reiki session. I love doing them!

But as of now, I’m done with the business and marketing part.

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When the thoughts of stopping my business first popped into my head, it sent me into an absolute tailspin.

If I’m supposed to stop, why did I feel so strongly to start this business in the first place?

Is my intuition wrong? Was it wrong in the first place, or wrong now?

Am I making a huge mistake?

What has this all been for?

What am I supposed to do now?

I’m a quitter. A failure. Everyone is going to think I quit because it was too hard, or because I wasn’t successful, or because Reiki isn’t real.

This has been my passion project and dream for years. Who am I now?

Who am I now. I realized I had shaped my identity around this dream and this persona. I thought I was a Reiki Master, a business owner, an entrepreneur, a dream follower, a powerful woman, a mystic, a healer. This was my Purpose. I had figured it out! This is what I was looking for all my life. I found so much pride in it.

But when thoughts of stopping my business creeped in, a huge part of who I thought I was came crashing down.

Things got pretty weird after that. I questioned everything about my life. I got a little delusional and panicky, and stuck on things like fate and predestined paths. I was so focused on what I’m meant to do in this life, rather than what I want or choose to do.

Here’s a rough little poem I wrote that captures some of what I was feeling.

"No longer who I once was
Not yet who I will be
Who am I
In the in between?

I shed the skin
I am anew
But no clear path ahead
Why do I need a path to be happy?"

I found some snake skin in our backyard during this transitionary period. Absolutely not a coincidence.

All this change and questioning helped me realize that we can’t base identity off what we do. True identity is not based on jobs, careers, titles, hobbies, relationships, likes and interests. When what we do falls apart, so do we.

Mother, sister, daughter, wife, Reiki master, friend, writer, creative, moon lover, bird watcher. These are all important parts of who I am, absolutely. But they are not my true identity. They cannot be my foundation.

To be quite frank I don’t have all the answers here. I don’t have attachment, consciousness, and divine identity figured out. This is crown chakra territory. It’s vast, mysterious, and honestly might take a lifetime to truly understand.

Not fully understanding and embodying these principles, not having the answers all wrapped up in a pretty bow would have stopped me from writing about this before.

But I want to write from the messy middle. From the “maybe having an idea what the answer or solution could be, but it’s still far away and can’t quite grasp it yet.” That’s where I live. That’s where most of the world lives. Anyone who tells you they have all the answers is trying to sell you something.

I am taking the pressure off myself for my articles to be perfect and all figured out. I’ll keep sharing the glimpses of truth I find, the snippets of knowledge and practices that work for me. Maybe they’ll work for you, maybe they won’t.

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Several times a day a thought jolts me.

What am I going to do now? What business do I start now? What is my project going to be?

My brain keeps scrambling for something to cling to.

So I take a couple breaths. And I remind myself it’s okay to not know “my path” right now. I don’t need to immediately rebound to something else.

I trust that somewhere along the line, something will spark. A passion ignited. A path emerging. Something will fall into place.

So I trust. And I enjoy the hell out of where I am right now.

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Next week I’ll share more about what I’ve been up to! I’ve been having fun with some creative projects and hobbies, and tending to myself like never before.

All my love to all you beauties.